Tossing on the bed I was feeling nauseated and febrile. I had been pressing my face on the pillow to seek some respite from excruciating pangs of migraine. Perhaps a wrong chosen medicine had rendered me in that desperate condition when no other medicine was working. Without any option every time at the attack of migraine I had to bear the mighty brunt of it. That day the advancing sun was much provoking and thus there was upsurge in my discomfort.
I had been listening the trotting of little feet of my kid around in the room. Sometimes her silken soft touch and the sopping peck on my face, “mamma is not well today.” She was being persuaded to let me have the needed rest. The little one persisted clutching my arm “when I love mamma she gets well soon.” Under the dizzying pain I was numb unable to lift my eyelid.
As the throbbing pain seemed the only option of the moment, I gave into it. I wanted to feel it and encounter it .With all its might the pain was displaying and overpowering me. Battling it for hours after some time the pain seemed to mellow a little, I could not exactly tell whether I was dreaming or awoken. As I was able to listen every pulse and noise of the room , who were coming inside or venturing out the room .
Perhaps it was dream and during the perspiring flash of hotness, a soothing chill started dawning upon me. I was walking in the snow covered valley. The chill was comforting. My bare feet walk on the earth was melting the ice below as I was feeling the melting fluidity under my feet. I was following a person perhaps my spouse he was the same except he was attired in rustic local hilly outfit.
We took bath at a river in chilly water. The man, my spouse was rustic and pleased most of the times like a village folk. Then we walked in through the narrow icy lane and reached a temple. Inside the temple I saw huge Shiva lingam. The milk was being poured upon it. The sanctum was full of devotees.
Outside in the valley while walking I was getting Shiva Lingam frequently. There were many Shiva lingams all over the place. All of them were formed of translucent ice. The icy Shiva lingams of varied sizes were placed at everywhere. I was amazed with the magnanimousness and serenity of the place.
Feeling refreshed when I opened the eye it was mid days. I perceived that all the curtain were drawn in the bed room to save me from piercing sharpness of light a migraine patient suffered during the pain. And the room was cleaned and organized as I always felt better that way.
Then few years back at work place I was asked by one of my acquaintances whether I would undertake fasting on Maha Shivaratri. I answered, I am aware of the merits of fasting but I know little about Lord Shiva.
But every year during Maha Shivaratri I felt a deep silence or something appealing about it. And there was persistent inquisitiveness on my part, " I know a little about Lord Shiva." One of my acquaintances answered, “What is there to know about it, just do the fasting,” but I was not ready to take it. When I didn’t understand anything it seemed a futile and mechanical way to me to do anything.
I wanted to understand and found my Shiva- MY REAL SELF and his connection to MY LIFE. Till then I was aware of the Shiva consciousness –the transcendent and highest self of ours .But how to achieve it and even try to start the journey of seeking I hadn’t any clue. I was trying to get that link and was speculative enough to find many answers of life through him.
My quest led to my knowledge. Then I decided I would undertake fasting that year. I was ready but that year it was destined other way by Lord Shiva. Perhaps on physical level more healing and cleansing was needed to achieve the Supreme Shiva and on physical level I was not ready for that.Or in another way there were still many hindrances inside me that were working more actively than my constructive positive energy.
Two days ahead of Mahashivaratri I got news of my father brain stroke. And my Shivaratri went into journey to my father’s place. During the journey again inside the reserved compartment there was crowd of devotees heading for the pilgrimage. All of them on their fast were heading to Lord Shiva shrine to offer worship. They were politely asking to us a little place for their few hours’ journey and forgiveness for the inconvenience caused by them. Befriended with pilgrims I sent my offering to Lord Shiva that year through one of them.
But then I was getting clearer on regular encounter of me with Lord and many faces of majestic deva- Adi Guru, the Lord Shiva. I had been realizing that the universe, the Lord Shiva is asking me for more transformation. My quest of knowing more about the Lord had been rekindling more than ever.
When I see the image, the energy pattern of our lives- Lord Shiva I realize every reason to follow and work upon him. Watching him I realize the strength comes after dropping “ego” an inheritance of human and many of us cling to it. When I see Neelkanth I feel how blissful he is even with poison inside his throat whereas we always find difficulty in resisting reaction.
Learning and studying Shiva teach me many other things which are still out of my expression perhaps I need more time. Yes! " I still need to know more about him." Praying upon him helps me to realize my inner knot which hinders my growth.
I am still on the path of seeking and learning. But now I have answer to my queries. Or perhaps when I seek to few newer queries the answers come to me on its own.